Neco later was rubbing the gauze on his arms feeling the texture of the bandages he found it soothing .Kai stepped into his heels putting on his work clothes if you can call them that,kai barely wore anything. “Are you going to be okay by yourself neco?” kai asked his voice genuine neco nods “yea i’ll be fine i’m just gonna drink” neco said rubbing his neck kai nods and left neco was alone he turned on the tv to drown out his thoughts not that he was interested in watching anything he just wanted background noise neco opened his flask and started to drink to vodka he poured into it looking at his razor blade thinking of trying again it would be quick one slice but he refused he promised to stay clean not for himself but for kai his stomach bubbled he was hungry he grabbed the phone to order some fast food for lunch but he stopped he walked to the fridge and grabbed a plate that had a sticky note on it that said “here’s lunch mi amor will be working late 2nite got photo shoot love you XOXO kai ;]” neco giggled not sure if the blush on his face was from the vodka or the note from his lover neco noticed the chicken fajitas on the plate his mouth watered he ate the whole plate and gently set it in the sink neco sat back onto the couch lighting another cigarette inhaling the toxic nickel and nicotine he puffs the smoke and he lifts off his shirt and walked to the bathroom and stripped he looked at himself in the mirror “you look stupid” he said to himself deadpaning he walked in the shower the first shower he’s had in awhile he traced the scars on his chest from his top surgry he washed his poofy hair which was now a wet mop on his head it was long when it wasn’t fluffy neco looked up to the ceiling the water entering his eyes he pulled away from the water a moment of peace in his mind he left the shower wrapping himself in a towel looking in the mirror again ”you are nothing” one of the voices told him he ignored it he pulled up gray sweatpants leaving himself shirtless he went back to the couch and he looked at the tv there was n anti lgbtq ad on neco deadpans “i thought we moved past 2003” he muttered listening to the ad he looked at the reporter who was agreeing with everything and he rolls his eyes muttering something about bigots neco looked at a stain on the table zoning out all he could hear were the voices in his head repeating the same things over and over such as ‘you stupid piece of shit but you know you’re a piece of shit that makes you better than other pieces of shit that don’t know they’re pieces of shit’ or ‘everyone leaves you in the end because you are not good enough’ they kept echoing neco laid on his back on the couch as another thought and voice came louder ‘quite being lazy you worthless waste of time why can’t you just do something right for once get up and do something!’ neco grabbed his flask and starts to sip it the voice came back belittling him more ‘this isn’t doing something this is drinking you dumbass get your lips off of the fucking bottle and go do something you worthless piece of shit’ neco then stood up stomping to the wall then he starts to bang his head on the wall hard trying to drown the voice out he kept banging until he started to bleed the voice only got louder ‘yeah this is gonna help dummy you are truly-” the voice went away neco fell to his knees shaking as blood fell from his nose and forehead he panted as someone knocked on the door he groaned walking to answer and there was a man dressed like a pimp with money hungry eyes dark skin and a handle bar mustache neco deadpaned “hey addicus” he said rubbing his temple addicus smirks “aye neco i was just stoppin’ by to check on you” the made neco deadpan more “you act like were friends or something” neco said wiping the blood off his forehead “now if this is about kai then you can forget it you’re already working him to his point” neco snapped clearly fed up with addicus making kai a floozy for money addicus rolls his eyes “he knew what he was signing up for when he started working for me not my fault your boyfriend chose to be a hoe-” before addicus could say something else neco punched him hard in the jaw “SHUT UP HE’S MORE THAN THAT!” neco shouted addicus clutched his nose neco saw only red as he started to punch addicus more making addicus run off. Later neco was smoking a cigarette rubbing the ointment on his scars hissing at the sting neco looked at the bottle of vodka then at the razor on the table a tear rolled down his cheek he reached for the vodka pouring some into his cup and downing it the warmth spread through his chest but the numbness still lingered he looked at the mirror and saw the clown staring back at him a painted smile mocking his pain he threw the cup against the wall shattering it into pieces. He picked up the razor blade, the cool metal a familiar comfort, but then he heard Kai’s voice in his head, "you promised to stay clean." Neco dropped the razor, tears now streaming down his face as he crumbled onto the floor, clutching his scarred arms. He stayed there, shaking and sobbing, until the light outside began to fade into a bruised purple, and the exhaustion finally pulled him into a fitful, haunted sleep.